I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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