I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I could make wine with my vomit
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
