Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My bed smells like the plague
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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