wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
