I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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