Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
