wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
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I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize