Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
