I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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