hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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