Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
