I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
