Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
