Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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