Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
