So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
