May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
