Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
