I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
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