Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
