if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
