My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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