i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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