I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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