god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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