3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
