nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
