I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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