somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
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we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
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Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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