my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
