i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
