She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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