yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
