Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
