I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
