My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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