dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
