maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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