Please, let me fuck your mom
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
