I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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