i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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