How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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