I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
