so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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