omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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