I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
