you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
