clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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