: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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