Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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