I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
they need to just BURY HIM!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
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I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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