I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
