I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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