Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
