The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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