For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
