Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
