walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
