and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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