You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
