That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
