I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
