this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
