I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
sex in a hospital.. check
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
