when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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