so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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