Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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