Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
